>
>
>All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight
>"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
>you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
>flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
>here, find a seat and get in it!"
>
>2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
>pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
>the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have.
>
>4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
>of this airplane"
>
>5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
>us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
>voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
>opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
>as hell everything has shifted."
>
>8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
>to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
>and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
>know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised. "
>
>9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
>face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
>assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
>pick your favorite."
>
>10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
>nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>compliments. "
>
>12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
>City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
>bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
>the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
>attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
>
>15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a
>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
>was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
>Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain
>in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>terminal."
>
>17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
>exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
>that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
>passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
>Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
>cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
>Ma'am," said the officer. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>land, or were we shot down?"
>
>18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
>with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
>and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
>gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
>silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
>wreckage to the terminal."
>
>19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
>you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
>urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
>you'll think of US Airways."
>
>20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
>to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
>can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
>21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
>comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
>intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead
>is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
>sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
>minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
>Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier While I was talking to
>you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
>lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
>"That's nothing You should see the back of mine."
