George Carlin's New Rules for 2007
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>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
>you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
>a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
>grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
>your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
>this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
>but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
>some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
>pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
>bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
will be
>in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security
>crisis.
>
>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
>entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
>no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
>supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>
>New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
. And it
>translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual. You're just high.
>
>New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's
>called "T he Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
>reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
>wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
>New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
>gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
>months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
>I didn't really care in the first place.
>
>New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
>better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do
>you want fries with that?"
